Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
