Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
