i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
