I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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