goodnight i made you a song goodbye
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
