I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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