I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
