Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
