I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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