He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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