Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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