the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
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You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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