If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
