im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
