I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
