Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
