I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
