Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
