I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
