either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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