There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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