I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
