the new term for farting is butt boxing.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
