im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
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I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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