whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
