my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
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I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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