he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
