I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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