just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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