I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
