Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You have to summon your inner elephant
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
