why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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