Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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