While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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