Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
