Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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