Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
