The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
