I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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