whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
