please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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