My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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