just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
