you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
