life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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