Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
