dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
