one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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