only if we run a train.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex