I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
