Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
