just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
