In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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