i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
