a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
