haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
