I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
