I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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