I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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