Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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