Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
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He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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