Dual....:-)
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
