Soap is not a condiment
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
