doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just gargled with NyQuil
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
