Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
